Alright, alright.

Enough of you have bitched at me to update this thing, and let’s face it…more than 6 months between updates is hardly what I call “regular”.

So it is from this day forth that I’m going to try to make an update once every week. Every Sunday. No, I’m not going to designate a time you picky bastards. If you’re going to read it, you’re going to check it. Frequently. And tell all your friends about it.

Anyway, on to stories.

There must be some sort of chip implanted in certain people’s brains that makes them vomit sentence upon sentence of meaningless drivel. And I catch all of it. Yes, I am the proverbial sewer of the English language. Yay me.

Case in point, we’re going to examine some people’s insistence of what merchandise we do and do not have.

One woman came up to me, and I gave her the usual “if you need anything” statements. Before I closed her door, however, she did have a question.

Woman: Yes, I was wondering if these capris were on sale. They said they were $20 online, but you have them as $30 in store. I was just wondering if you could check on that.

Me: Certainly. (I radio for help checking the price, and sure enough, ours is $30 and is meant to be $30).

Me: I’m sorry ma’am, but the price is supposed to be $30.

Woman: Why? (The fuck should I know why?)

Me: It’s just the in-store pricing, ma’am. That’s how it works. We receive pricing information weekly and then update accordingly. The capris are supposed to be $30.

Woman: But they’re $20 online. They should be $20 here.

Me: Sometimes online lowers their prices if they have a surplus of particular items. It’s to reduce their quantities. While we are the same company, our online division runs differently than our stores do. If you want the $20 capris, you will unfortunately have to order them online.

Woman: It’s the lowest price I’ve seen. Don’t you have to price match it?

At this point, there’s a pretty sizable line building up to get into rooms. This woman is clearly wasting my time because she won’t register the $5 difference between getting them online and getting them in store (with shipping calculated in). I’m starting to get visibly flustered.

Me: No ma’am. That’s in electronics stores such as Best Buy (DON’T SUE ME, YOU BASTARDS!). We don’t do that here. What’s in the store is in the store. That’s all there is to it.

Woman: You have to honor the sale. They’ve done it here before.

Me: How long ago?

Woman: 3 years ago.

Me: Our policies have changed since then, ma’am. I apologize, but there is nothing we can do.

Woman: Yes there is. You could give me the GODDAMN $20 PRICE I DESERVE!

She slams the door in my face.

I’m taken aback. Probably by stupidity. I could feel it seeping into my brain.

One thing customers need to understand is that NOT ALL STORES ARE CREATED EQUAL. Therefore, because store A does something, do NOT expect store B to do the same thing. This is what I call Substitute Syndrome, and it’s contracted only when you are severely self-depreciating and/or think you’re smarter than the stores you shop in.

Also bear in mind that this incident happened BEFORE THE WOMAN TRIED ON THE CAPRIS. So this woman had a hissy fit because she was going to have to potentially purchase capris she could hate for $30 instead of $20.

Right. This is clearly intelligent.

Other customers try to give me vague descriptions of what items they want and expect me to know exactly what they were talking about. Trust me, I’m not exactly precise with my descriptions of our merchandise, but at least I’m relatively close. Today, a woman was trying to get a hoody for her son. We had a conversation similar to (but not exactly) the following:

Woman: Hey, my girlfriend was in here the other day, and she got this ADORABLE hoody for her son. It was white. And was a rough material. Do you think you could find me one?

Me: Uhh…sure? (I ask for help over the walkie, and I receive several hoodies in return)

Woman: Oh, no, not these. This one was hemp. With stripes.

Me: Okay, one moment please. (again, receive exactly what she’s asking for, based on her vague description)

Woman: Oh, no, these are HORIZONTAL stripes. We wanted VERTICAL.

Me: … (ask again to look around, and turn up nothing, but receive something similar in return)

Woman: Oh no, this isn’t V-neck. The hoody she got was a V-neck.

It is at this point I give to her the only hoody that even remotely fits her description. I wasn’t even sure if it was what she was looking for. It was at this point I left for the day, but the point is COULDN’T SHE HAVE CONDENSED THIS ENTIRE DRAWN OUT SONG-AND-DANCE THAT TOOK 10 MINUTES INTO A ONE MINUTE STATEMENT THAT COULD HAVE BEEN RESPONDED WITH YES OR NO?!

Look, all I’m trying to say here is that a lot of the time, people think they’re smarter than they actually are. They think that a system that has been established for years will be completely upended by their one incident of proving a sweater should be cheaper than we have it marked.

Winning at this game is like winning the special olympics. In the end, you’re still “special”.

These are the type of people who go on the internet to look up disease symptoms for their child, and confuse the common cold with AIDS.

Do the world a favor: ask for help instead of providing for yourself.

Assfaces.

Update next week!